Get ready to laugh out loud with these hilarious Manchester United jokes! Whether you’re a die-hard fan or just enjoy some good football humor, these jokes are sure to tickle your funny bone. From poking fun at rival teams to jesting about the players themselves, there’s something for everyone in this collection of witty quips.
As one of the most iconic and polarizing football clubs in the world, Manchester United has a rich history that provides ample fodder for jokes and banter. These jokes not only showcase the wit and creativity of football fans but also highlight the passion and camaraderie that comes with supporting a team like Manchester United.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy these rib-tickling Manchester United jokes that will have you chuckling and sharing with your fellow football enthusiasts. Whether you’re enjoying a pint at the pub or chatting with friends online, these jokes are the perfect way to lighten the mood and show your love for the Red Devils.
Best Manchester United Jokes
Here’s five jokes about Manchester United:
1.
Why did the Manchester United fan bring a ladder to the game?
Because they heard the players needed a lift!
2.
What do you call a Manchester United player with a championship ring?
A thief!
3.
Why was the Manchester United stadium so loud?
Because all the fans were leaving early to beat the traffic!
4.
Why did the Manchester United fan cross the road?
To get away from the trophy cabinet!
5.
How do you stop a Manchester United fan from beating you in an argument?
Bring up their recent record against Liverpool!
Family Friendly Manchester United Jokes
Here’s some family friendly funny jokes about Manchester United:
1. Why did the Manchester United player bring string to the game?
Because they heard they needed to tie the score!
2. What did the Manchester United fan do when their team finally won a game?
They woke up from their dream!
3. Why did the Manchester United player go to the doctor?
Because they needed a cure for all the draws!
4. What did the Manchester United fan do after their team lost again?
They kicked the couch, but it still didn’t hurt as much as the loss!
5. Why was the Manchester United team so good at hide and seek?
Because they could never find the net!
6. Why did the Manchester United player bring a ladder to the game?
To try and reach the top of the league!
7. What do you call a Manchester United player with a goal-scoring problem?
An attacker in distress!
8. Why was the Manchester United fan always cool during games?
Because they had a fan blowing away all the stress!
9. Why did the Manchester United player go to the bank during halftime?
To check if they had any interest in scoring!
10. What did the Manchester United fan say when their team was losing?
“At least we’re consistent!”
11. Why did the Manchester United player wear sunglasses during the game?
To hide from all the misses!
12. What do you call a Manchester United player who plays the piano?
A musician in need of a goal symphony!
13. Why did the Manchester United player bring a map to the game?
To try and find their way to the top of the table!
14. What did the Manchester United fan do when their team finally scored a goal?
They called it a rare sighting!
15. Why was the Manchester United player afraid to go swimming?
Because they were scared of diving!
16. What did the Manchester United fan do when their team was being outplayed?
They started using their “remote” to change the channel!
17. Why was the Manchester United player always hungry during games?
Because they could never seem to get their fill of goals!
18. What did the Manchester United fan do after their team’s latest defeat?
They probably should have checked into the nearest “draw” hotel!
19. Why did the Manchester United player bring a calculator to the game?
To tally up all the missed opportunities!
20. What do you call a Manchester United player who can’t stop scoring own goals?
A true team player… for both sides!
Manchester United Jokes One-liners – Short Jokes
1. Why did Manchester United hire a gardener? To help them in the Barclays League.
2. How do Manchester United fans keep their breath fresh? They use Ole-mint.
3. What’s the difference between Manchester United and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
4. Why was the Manchester United stadium so hot? Because all the fans left.
5. Why did the Manchester United fan bring a ladder to the game? Because they heard the players were kicking high balls.
6. Why did the Manchester United player bring string to the game? In case they needed to tie the score.
7. What do you call a man who supports Manchester United? A disappointment.
8. Why couldn’t the Manchester United player listen to music? Because they always got played off the pitch.
9. How do you know Manchester United has a good defense? Because they can’t even defend themselves against relegation rumors.
10. Why do Manchester United players always carry a map? In case they need directions to the top of the table.
11. What’s the difference between a Manchester United fan and a baby? The baby will stop crying after a while.
12. Why did the Manchester United player go to the bank? To check if they had any points left.
13. Why was the Manchester United player always calm? They were used to handling a lot of red cards.
14. What do you call a Manchester United player with a map? Lost.
15. Why did the Manchester United player bring a pencil to the game? To draw up a new game plan.
16. Why did the Manchester United coach go to the dentist? To fix their losing streak.
17. What’s the hardest part about being a Manchester United fan? Pretending that everything is okay.
18. Why did the Manchester United player visit the art museum? To see if they could find a masterpiece like they once were.
19. How did the Manchester United player get rich? By cashing in on all the missed opportunities.
20. Why did the Manchester United player break their alarm clock? They wanted to start waking up for games on time.
Manchester United Dad Jokes
1. Why did Manchester United hire a gardener? Because they heard he was good at helping things growÉ except for their trophy cabinet!
2. What happens when a Manchester United player takes a test? They always pass with flying colorsÉ as long as the color is red!
3. How did Manchester United fans react when they heard a joke about their team? They laughedÉ but only because theyÕre used to the pain!
4. Why did the Manchester United player go to the doctor? Because he had a case of the bluesÉ and not the Chelsea kind!
5. What do Manchester United fans do when they see a rainbow? They look for the pot of gold at the end thatÕs filled with Premier League trophies!
6. Why did the Manchester United player bring a ladder to the game? To help them climb up the league table, of course!
7. How do Manchester United players stay cool during a match? They stand near the fansÉ because theyÕre always blowing hot air about their team!
8. What did the Manchester United fan say to the magician? ÒMake our defense disappearÉ oh wait, it already has!Ó
9. Why was the Manchester United player always calm under pressure? Because theyÕre used to the constant pressure of living up to their historic legacy!
10. How do Manchester United players like their eggs? Scrambled, just like their chances of winning the league!
11. Why did the Manchester United player bring a map to the game? To help them find their way back to the top of the table!
12. What do you call a Manchester United player with a brain? A rare commodity!
13. Why was the Manchester United stadium so hot? Because their fans couldnÕt stop talking about the glory days!
14. How do Manchester United players stay in shape? By constantly running away from their past successes!
15. WhatÕs the difference between Manchester United and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer!
16. How do Manchester United players order their drinks? They like them served with a ÒchampionÓ-ship attitude!
17. Why did the Manchester United player bring a shovel to the game? To help dig themselves out of their current performance!
18. Why do Manchester United players never get lost? Because they always follow the signs that point to the title!
19. What do Manchester United players have in common with magnets? They always attract disappointment!
20. Why was the Manchester United fan always happy? Because they have a great sense of humorÉ they have to, to support that team!
Manchester United Surreal Jokes
1. Why did the Manchester United player bring a ladder to the game? To reach new heights on the scoreboard!
2. What did the Manchester United goalkeeper say to the soccer ball? “I’ve got you covered, just don’t try to slip away!”
3. How does Manchester United like their eggs? In a treble – scrambled, boiled, and fried!
4. Why did the Manchester United fan bring a pencil to the game? To sketch a game plan for the team!
5. What did the Manchester United player do when he won the lottery? He bought a golden boot for each foot!
6. Why did the Manchester United team bring a map to the soccer field? To find their way to victory!
7. How did the Manchester United player fix his broken arm? With a red devilish cast, of course!
8. Why did the Manchester United mascot go to the doctor? To get a Red-ical check-up!
9. What did the Manchester United fan say to the referee? “You must be a magician because every time we score, you make it disappear with an offside call!”
10. How does the Manchester United coach like his tea? With a dash of extra time added!
11. Why did the Manchester United player bring a suitcase to the game? To pack away all the trophies they’re going to win!
12. What did the Manchester United player do when he saw a spider on the field? He asked it to play goalkeeper – saying it had eight legs for better saves!
13. How did the Manchester United fan get to the game? By taking the Red Devil Express train, of course!
14. Why did the Manchester United player bring a dictionary to the game? To look up the definition of “winning” for reference!
15. What did the Manchester United player do when he forgot his jersey at home? He played in his lucky red polka dot pajamas instead!
16. Why did the Manchester United team go to the beach? To practice their diving skills for the next game!
17. What did the Manchester United player do when he saw a UFO on the field? He asked it to abduct the opposing team’s best players!
18. How did the Manchester United player fix his flat tire? He filled it with Red Devil spirit to keep rolling!
19. Why did the Manchester United coach bring a crystal ball to the game? To predict a treble-winning future for the team!
20. What did the Manchester United fan say to the fortune teller? “Please tell me when we’ll win the next Champions League – I can’t wait forever!”
Manchester United Dark Humor Jokes
Here’s some funny Manchester United jokes for adults:
1. Why did the Manchester United player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
2. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain? Gifted.
3. Why did the Manchester United fan bring a ladder to the stadium? Because they heard the players needed help getting to the top of the table.
4. What do you call 20 Manchester United fans in a basement? A whine cellar.
5. Why was the Manchester United stadium so hot? All the fans left and the air conditioning couldn’t find its way out of the Europa League.
6. WhatÕs the difference between Manchester United and a cup of tea? The tea stays in the cup longer.
7. How do you break a Manchester United fan’s finger? Punch them in the face.
8. Why did the Manchester United fan cross the road? To get to the unemployment line quicker.
9. Did you hear about the Manchester United fan who locked his keys in the car? Took him an hour to get the family out.
10. Why did the Manchester United fan bring a pencil to the game? To draw up a new game plan on the back of the receipt for the players.
11. What do Manchester United and a possum have in common? Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
12. Why did the Manchester United supporter go to the doctor? He had a bad case of not being able to keep a clean sheet.
13. Why was the Manchester United fan always so happy on Saturdays? His team had the day off.
14. What do a Manchester United fan and a bottle of beer have in common? TheyÕre both empty from the neck up.
15. Why donÕt Manchester United players eat bananas? They canÕt find the net.
16. What do you call a Manchester United player with a championship ring? A thief.
17. Why did the Manchester United coach only do jigsaw puzzles in under 5 seconds? Because anything longer than that and they fall apart, just like their defense.
18. WhatÕs the difference between a Manchester United fan and a coconut? One is thick and hairy, the other is a coconut.
19. Why was the Manchester United pitch so wet? Because the players couldn’t stop dribbling.
20. Why did the Manchester United fan take a ladder to the match? Because they heard the other team had goals on top of the net.
How to Use Manchester United Jokes In a Conversation?
Using Manchester United Jokes in a Conversation
When it comes to injecting some humor into a conversation, Manchester United jokes can be a great way to break the ice and get everyone laughing. Whether you’re a die-hard fan of the Red Devils or just looking to lighten the mood, incorporating some well-placed jokes can add a fun touch to any discussion. Here are some tips on how to use Manchester United jokes in a conversation:
Know Your Audience
Before dropping a Manchester United joke into the conversation, it’s important to consider your audience. Make sure the people you’re chatting with are familiar with the team and have a good sense of humor. Avoid using jokes that could be offensive or inappropriate, especially if you’re not sure how they’ll be received.
Keep It Light-Hearted
When using Manchester United jokes, aim to keep the tone light-hearted and playful. Avoid jokes that are mean-spirited or overly critical of the team or its fans. Instead, opt for lighthearted jokes that poke fun at the team’s performance, rivalries, or iconic players in a good-natured way.
Timing is Key
Just like with any joke, timing is crucial when incorporating Manchester United jokes into a conversation. Look for natural openings in the discussion or moments when a well-placed joke could add some levity. Avoid forcing jokes or interrupting the flow of conversation to tell a joke.
Be Authentic
If you’re going to use Manchester United jokes in a conversation, make sure they feel authentic to you. Don’t force jokes that you don’t find funny or that don’t align with your sense of humor. Genuine laughter is contagious, so if you’re having fun with the jokes, chances are your audience will too.
Have Fun with It
Above all, remember that the goal of using Manchester United jokes in a conversation is to have fun and bring a smile to everyone’s face. Don’t take yourself too seriously and enjoy the opportunity to share some laughs with those around you.
Final words
In conclusion, Manchester United jokes have become a popular form of banter among football fans around the world. These jokes often poke fun at the team’s performance, players, and managerial decisions, providing a light-hearted way to express frustrations or celebrate victories. Whether it’s about their lackluster performance on the pitch or their transfer struggles off it, there is no shortage of material for fans to turn into humorous quips.
Fans of rival teams often take pleasure in sharing these jokes to mock Manchester United and their supporters, creating a fun and competitive atmosphere in the world of football banter. Despite the team’s historic success and large fanbase, they are not immune to criticism, and these jokes serve as a way to both entertain and criticize.
Overall, the plethora of hilarious Manchester United jokes circulating among football fans exemplifies the camaraderie and rivalry that make the sport so enjoyable for fans worldwide.