Get ready to chuckle! This article is packed with hillarious James Bond jokes that will leave you shaken, not stirred. Whether you’re a die-hard 007 fan or just looking for some light-hearted entertainment, these jokes are sure to bring a smile to your face.
From witty one-liners to clever puns, the world of James Bond provides endless material for jokesters to play with. Join in on the fun and let these jokes transport you into the high-stakes, action-packed world of the suave secret agent known as Bond, James Bond.
So sit back, relax, and get ready to enjoy a good laugh with these James Bond-inspired jokes. Whether you’re a fan of the classic films or the latest installment, there’s something here for everyone to enjoy. Let’s dive into the world of espionage and humor with these entertaining James Bond jokes!
Best James Bond Jokes
Here’s five jokes about James Bond:
1. Why did James Bond refuse to go to the bakery? Because he heard they have “golden buns.”
2. How does James Bond prepare his tea? He brews it for 00-7 minutes.
3. What did James Bond say to the bartender who asked if he wanted his martini shaken or stirred? “Just wave it in the general direction of Italy.”
4. Why did James Bond break up with his calculator? It wasn’t giving him a “007” percent satisfaction.
5. How does James Bond keep his suits looking so sharp? He always has a “license to press.”
Family Friendly James Bond Jokes
Here’s some family friendly funny jokes about James Bond:
1. Why did James Bond refuse to play hide and seek?
Because good spies always come out of hiding!
2. What does James Bond do before bed every night?
He tucks himself in…to a luxury hotel bed, of course.
3. How does James Bond like his eggs?
Shaken, not stirred.
4. Why was James Bond always calm during dangerous situations?
Because he knew how to keep his cool under pressure.
5. What’s James Bond’s favorite type of music?
Secret Agent Man by Johnny Rivers.
6. Why did James Bond refuse to eat at the fancy restaurant?
He said the food was too “spy-sy.”
7. What did James Bond say to the bartender at the casino?
“Give me a Vodka Martini…and keep ’em coming.”
8. How does James Bond make his coffee?
He uses a Q-tronic coffee maker.
9. What’s James Bond’s favorite type of car?
An Aston Martin…obviously.
10. Why did James Bond switch to a flip phone?
He needed a mobile device that could self-destruct.
11. How does James Bond like his steak?
Medium rare…just like his missions.
12. What did James Bond say when he walked into the party?
“The name’s Bond…James Bond.”
13. Why did James Bond go to the doctor?
He was feeling a little “pierce” in the chest.
14. How does James Bond do his laundry?
With a Licence to Spin!
15. Why did James Bond go to the pet store?
He was looking for a spy-dog.
16. What’s James Bond’s favorite type of sandwich?
A submarine sandwich…because he’s always undercover.
17. How does James Bond keep in shape?
He does a lot of spy-ning.
18. Why did James Bond refuse to use GPS?
He prefers to go where no man has gone before…off the grid.
19. What did James Bond say when he won at poker?
“I’ll take my winnings…straight to the bank.”
20. How does James Bond get rid of pests in his house?
With a “Goldfinger”…exterminator.
James Bond Jokes One-liners – Short Jokes
1. Why did James Bond break up with his GPS? She kept telling him to turn left at every corner.
2. James Bond doesn’t need a watch – he always has a golden timepiece.
3. What does James Bond do before bed? He spies and crosses his pillows.
4. Why did James Bond become a gardener? He needed a license to kill weeds.
5. How does James Bond brew his coffee? He uses a license to espresso.
6. What’s James Bond’s favorite type of bread? Secret agent toast.
7. Why did James Bond go to therapy? He had too many trust issues and a license to kill.
8. What did one shoe say to the other shoe worn by James Bond? I spy with my little eye…
9. How does James Bond like his eggs? Shaken, not stirred.
10. James Bond’s favorite type of water? Secret agent H2O.
11. What did James Bond say to the bartender? I’ll have a martini, but just this once.
12. How does James Bond stay cool in the summer? He uses his license to chill.
13. Why did James Bond go to the pet store? He wanted to buy a spy-dog.
14. How does James Bond do his laundry? With a license to dry.
15. What car does James Bond drive to his dentist appointments? A Gold-tooth.
16. Why did James Bond get a job at the bakery? He wanted a license to grill.
17. How does James Bond clean his hair? With a license to frizz.
18. What did James Bond say after ordering a burger? I like my buns double-o-sauced.
19. When James Bond goes bowling, does he get a perfect 300? No, he gets a GoldenEye.
20. Why did James Bond become a ventriloquist? He wanted a license to thrill with his voice.
James Bond Dad Jokes
1. Why did James Bond open a bakery? Because he wanted to make spy-ronut pastries!
2. How does James Bond order his coffee? Shaken, not stirred!
3. What’s James Bond’s favorite type of music? Spy-fi!
4. Why did James Bond go to the dentist? Because he had a cavity that needed to be filled, not killed!
5. How does James Bond like his eggs cooked? Double-o seven minutes!
6. What does James Bond use to fix a leaky faucet? Q-tighten!
7. Why did James Bond break up with his girlfriend? Because she kept calling him a “double-o-fake”!
8. What do you call James Bond when he’s lost his car keys? Agent Unable-to-Drive!
9. How does James Bond keep his suits looking sharp? With a secret agent iron, of course!
10. Why did James Bond go to the amusement park? To ride the rollercoaster of espionage!
11. How does James Bond stay in shape? He does MI6-minute workouts!
12. What’s James Bond’s favorite vegetable? Spy-nach!
13. Why did James Bond bring a ladder to the library? Because he heard that knowledge is power and he wanted to climb the ranks!
14. What did James Bond say to the bartender who made his martini too weak? “I expect better service Ð next time, do it with a GoldenEye!”
15. Why did James Bond refuse to skydive? He was worried about getting caught in a Golden-age parachute!
16. What did the criminal say to James Bond when he got caught? “You’ve got me Ð hook, line, and secret agent sinker!”
17. How does James Bond take his tea? Infused with top-secret espionage!
18. Why did James Bond get a job at the zoo? Because he heard they were looking for a licensed-to-krill agent!
19. What did James Bond say when he tried to fix a broken watch? “Time to go undercover as a watchmaker!”
20. Why did James Bond become a chef? Because he heard that the best spies are always “cooking” up new plans!
James Bond Surreal Jokes
1. Why did James Bond bring a ladder to the casino? Because he heard the stakes were sky high!
2. How does James Bond like his eggs? Shaken, not stirred.
3. Why did James Bond refuse to play hide and seek? Because no one can hide from 007!
4. Why did James Bond go to the doctor? Because he had a golden eye!
5. How does James Bond like his coffee? With a license to espresso!
6. Why did James Bond open a bakery? Because he wanted a license to grill!
7. What did James Bond say to the bartender? I’ll have a license to chill.
8. Why did James Bond bring a ghost to the party? Because he heard it was a Spectre-cular event!
9. What did James Bond say when he dropped his sandwich? My name is Lunch, James Lunch.
10. How does James Bond like his toast? Double-0 sevened.
11. Why did James Bond go to the zoo? To find the Goldeneye of the tiger!
12. Why did James Bond go to the seafood restaurant? To get a license to krill.
13. What did James Bond say to the tailor? Double-0 suits me just fine.
14. Why did James Bond become an astronaut? To explore the Moonraker!
15. How does James Bond like his steak? License to grill.
16. Why did James Bond go to the pet store? To find a Golden Retriever with a License To Woof.
17. What is James Bond’s favorite type of music? Spy-fi.
18. Why did James Bond go to the baseball game? To catch a spy-fly ball!
19. How does James Bond like his car? Aston Martini, shaken not stirred.
20. Why did James Bond join a music band? Because he wanted a License to Trill.
James Bond Dark Humor Jokes
Here’s some funny James Bond jokes for adults:
1. Why did James Bond refuse to play hide and seek with his enemies? Because good spies always have a hard time blending in.
2. How does James Bond like his coffee? Shaken, not stirred.
3. Why did James Bond break up with his calculator? It could never keep up with his body count.
4. What’s James Bond’s favorite kind of music? Spy-fi.
5. How does James Bond like his eggs? On the villain’s face.
6. Why did James Bond go to therapy? He was struggling with commitment issues – to his missions.
7. Why did James Bond go to the bakery? He heard they had great covert ops.
8. Why does James Bond always win at poker? He’s an expert at reading people – and their cards.
9. How does James Bond like his steak cooked? Medium rare, just like his missions.
10. Why did James Bond break up with his tailor? He couldn’t handle the constant alterations to his suits from dodging bullets.
11. What’s James Bond’s favorite type of humor? Dark comedy, just like his missions.
12. Why did James Bond bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were “sky” high.
13. How does James Bond like his women? Formidable and with a license to kill.
14. Why did James Bond break up with his dentist? He couldn’t handle the electric drills – too much like torture devices.
15. What’s James Bond’s favorite type of exercise? Target practice.
16. Why did James Bond join a band? He wanted to master the art of “espionage.”
17. How does James Bond like his jokes? Like his martinis – with a twist.
18. Why did James Bond switch to a smartwatch? He needed a gadget that could handle more than just telling time.
19. What’s James Bond’s favorite holiday destination? Enemy territory – great for a quick getaway.
20. Why did James Bond sign up for a cooking class? He wanted to specialize in “undercover” operations in the kitchen.
How to Use James Bond Jokes In a Conversation?
When used cleverly, James Bond jokes can add a touch of sophistication and humor to any conversation or social situation. Whether you’re at a party, networking event, or just chatting with friends, having a few well-timed Bond jokes up your sleeve can make you stand out and leave a memorable impression. Here are some tips on how to use James Bond jokes effectively in your conversations:
Know Your Audience
Before dropping a James Bond joke into the conversation, take a moment to gauge your audience. Not everyone may be familiar with the iconic character or the movies, so it’s important to tailor your jokes to the interests and sensibilities of the people you’re talking to.
Stay Current
With a legacy spanning over 50 years, the James Bond franchise has seen multiple actors take on the role of 007. Stay current with the latest movies and pop culture references to ensure your jokes are relevant and resonate with your audience.
Incorporate Wit and Charm
James Bond is known for his suave demeanor, quick wit, and charming personality. When delivering a Bond joke, channel your inner secret agent and deliver it with flair. Confidence and a hint of playfulness will enhance the impact of your joke.
Use Puns and Wordplay
Play on the iconic phrases, gadgets, and themes from the James Bond movies to create clever puns and wordplay. Whether it’s a reference to a famous Bond villain, a gadget from Q, or a classic Bond one-liner, incorporating these elements into your jokes can make them more engaging and amusing.
Keep It Light and Fun
Remember that the goal of using James Bond jokes in conversation is to entertain and lighten the mood. Keep your jokes lighthearted and fun, and avoid using any that may be offensive or inappropriate for the setting.
By following these tips, you can smoothly integrate James Bond jokes into your conversations and leave a lasting impression with your wit and charm.
Final words
In conclusion, James Bond jokes have become a beloved staple in popular culture, providing comic relief and entertainment to fans around the world. These jokes play on the iconic nature of the suave secret agent, while also poking fun at the various tropes and clichŽs present in the Bond films. From witty one-liners to clever wordplay, the humor derived from James Bond jokes is both timeless and enduring.
Whether it’s a play on Bond’s famous catchphrases or a humorous take on his daring escapades, the world of James Bond jokes offers a treasure trove of comedic gold for fans of the franchise. The ability to blend action, intrigue, and humor has solidified the lasting appeal of these jokes, ensuring that they will continue to be shared and enjoyed for years to come.
Overall, the charm and wit of these hilarious James Bond jokes are a testament to the enduring legacy of the suave spy himself. With their clever quips and clever puns, these jokes are sure to leave fans both shaken and stirred with laughter.
